Missing You

Dan got me an Edible Arrangement for Valentines day this year. It was a sweet gesture, and I really appreciated it. So as I sit here this morning, I thought "Hey, I should totally order one for my dad!" You see, my dad is in the Veterans Home in Grand Rapids, MI. He doesn't get to see us but once a year. It sucks, since I was really close to my dad growing up. But as I was looking at the different fruit flower arrangements, tears started flowing. I got hit with the overwhelming sadness of missing my dad. I haven't seen him since the boy child still had that new baby smell. That was Thanksgiving 2010. We didn't go up for Thanksgiving last year because we're trying like mad to buy a house. I want to go up this summer, but we'll have to see. So I'm sitting here crying and missing my dad. I don't have his number to call him. Even if I did, I couldn't right now since it's 6:30 AM. Dad's other daughter (I just can't call her my sister) lives about an hour and a half/2 hours from him, and refuses to go see him. I sit here and think "doesn't she realize how good she has it? She can go see him whenever she wants!" I know she doesn't want to go see him because he's under the impression that our mom and she keep him a prisoner there. I wouldn't care myself tho. I would still go. I know he loves when we come up, since he doesn't see us very often. He loves to see the older girl child and how much she's grown into a beautiful young lady. I know he loves to see the younger girl child because of her red hair and sunny disposition. I wish my kids would have the wonderful memories of their grandfather that I had. Alas, they won't. My dad will be in the Veterans home for the rest of his life. No pie and ice cream at 2 AM. No croquet matches in the lawn. No impromtu baseball games in the driveway. I mourn for the loss of such wonderful memories. He would have been an awesome grandpa if the dementia hadn't taken hold. Not that he isn't, but there is so much more he could have done with them. My son will probably have the same vague memories that I have of my mom's dad and my dad's bio dad. Little snippets here and there of certain things they did with us. I remember the wonderful things my dad's step-dad did with us. I wanted those things with my kids. Dad and I used to laugh when I was pregnant with girl#1 about all the things he wanted to do when she would come to stay. I know I can make the memories myself with the girls, but it isn't the same.