Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement. **Drumroll** I have a child with a mental illness. There, I said it. Good for me, right? Go me for admitting that my child has some serious issues, and I am working my ass off to get her help. In the past week, we've been to no more than 3 Psychologist appointments and I am calling to find her a child Psychiatrist today. There are so many people out there, and so many programs to get her the help she needs! Yay! Not to take the spotlight away from her, but slow down a minute. While I am happy that we will be able to get her what she needs to thrive, what about us as parents? What about her dad and I? Why aren't there more programs out there to assist parents? Don't we matter? What about her siblings? Don't they matter? This goes beyond the normal "Oh, you can get family therapy/counseling and all will be fine!" Right now, I'm glad I am not working. If I was, I would be worried right now about losing my job. As an individual, there are times right now I can barely function without bursting into tears. I have spent the past week crying, worrying, and trying to get life arranged around her needs. And you know what? I'm doing it on my own. Not to say her dad isn't helping as best he can. The best way he can right now is to go to work so that we can keep our awesome insurance. Otherwise, that $150 a session would be killing us. I have a few friends that know what is going on, and they have been supportive. "Let me know if you need anything" type thing, and I even had one who gave me her expert opinion (she's a HS teacher, and trust me, I really appreciated what she told me). Hubby's parents have been great, calling to talk and to cheer me up. I'm not speaking to mine at the moment, which wouldn't matter. They have never been supportive of the whole ADHD stuff to begin with. Breathe, mom....just breathe. To my friends and family who are supportive, THANK YOU!!! You have done more for me and little girl than you can ever know. To those of you who are otherwise, FUCK YOU!!! Yup, I said it. You have no idea what my day is like. You have no idea how hard it is sometimes watching her push her friends away. You have no idea what it's like to hear her cry because no one understands why she does what she does, and they don't want to be around her. The whole walk a mile in my shoes? Even a mile wouldn't be enough for you to get it. And to her wonderful teachers, THANK YOU and WE LOVE YOU! You have helped us finally get to a place I wanted to be years ago. Thank you for helping me push the doctors into seeing there is more there than just her being hyper.

I am going to put this here so I can get it out. As most of you know, I was an abused child. Physically, mentally, emotionally by my mother, and sexually by a family member. While the family member is now dead, I'm still to this day being abused by my mother (here on out known as ED, or Egg Donor.) ED never wanted me. Told me so herself in one of her drunken rages. Told me that there were two reasons I was even alive. One was that she was Catholic, and therefore couldn't have an abortion. The other was because my father would not let her give me up for adoption, as he wanted me. Imagine telling that to a small child? I have the three ducklings, and I could NEVER fathom even thinking that for a second! She beat me, screamed at me, told me I was worthless, and allowed her Golden Child daughter to beat and abuse me as well. Once she stopped drinking, you'd have thought things would get better, right? They didn't. The methods just changed. I was never going to be prettier or smarter or better than GC Sister. I really didn't even try in school. Why bother if I wasn't going to be as good as her? I still beat her not only in the ACT, but in class ranking as well. I think of what I could have done had I had a little encouragement. She hates the hubster. She won't admit to it now, but she does. He took me away from her. His family treats me like I am one of their own. I think that's partially why GC Sister hates them. If I am not in line, and not the scapegoat, then she will have to take that role as well. She can't be both, so her GC status will go away. I recently made the decision to cut my mother out of my life. It's been difficult. I am receiving therapy for the issues that horrible bitch brought into my life. I haven't heard much from her the past few weeks since the blow up. It's been peaceful. The biggest problem here is that I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the inevitable blow up. I know she won't slink off into the dark quietly. Oh no. She tries so hard to play mother/grandmother of the fucking year. Today is me and Hubs 20th wedding anniversary. 20 years, and we are still going strong. GC Sis and her husband aren't so much. Not my problem. I am trying to surround myself with friends and loved ones who like me for who I am. Not for what they can get from me, or what I can do for them. But today, we got a card from ED for our Anniversary. She can't remember my fucking birthday, but sends me an Anniversary Card. I think she's sent us a card once or twice in our entire married life together. I'm afraid she's trying to make herself look good. "Oh, I sent her a card! She's a horrible person for not talking to me!" And the thing I think that bothers me is that NO ONE knows. No one knows the pain and the heartache and the suffering she's put me through for forty one years. If you met her for the first time now, you'd probably think she's a great person. She's personable, she's witty. She's all the things now that she wasn't and won't be to me. She goes to GC Sis's kids activities. She wouldn't go to mine. I am happy for my Niece and Nephew. They get to see the side of her I wish I could have seen. They get the loving, sweet, wonderful side of her. I got the horrible, abusive, drunken-rage side. I don't want to ever speak to her again at this point. At this point, I can't forgive her for the hell she put me through. I grieve for the mother I deserved. I wish I had my best friends here to hold me and hug me and tell me it's going to be all right. But I don't. I have no one here who can understand the demons I have to face every single day.

Stick a fork in me

Yes, you were a shitty mom. You still are, and probably always will be. I know that my kids and I rank last on your list of priorities. But I always have. And you know what? It bugs me that you want to come to girl child #1's high school graduation. I know it's so you can play GMOTY. YOU BARELY KNOW YOUR OWN GRANDDAUGHTER!! You barely know ANY of my kids. They are not a priority to you. Certainly not like her kids. But then again, it goes back to when I was a kid. You never wanted me. You told me so yourself. You only kept me because of dad. You treat me like garbage. You have this supposed epiphany that I am you all over again, that you treat me like your mom did, and the golden princess treats me like your siblings did to you. Yet, nothing has been done to change it. So here's my thing. When dad dies, you can say good riddance to me. I won't call, you won't have to. I will keep my kids FAR away from the two of you. The emotional abuse you two put me through is horrible. I'm done.

What a week! I'm exhausted lol. We have good news! Boy child will be receiving Speech Therapy through Babies Can't Wait. He isn't talking well, and this will help him SO much! Girl #2 had her first Lock-in at church last night. Her Sunday School group went to the dairy farm and went through the corn maze. They went to dinner at her favorite place too :) When I picked her up at 7:30 this morning, she was tired and happy. She had a wonderful time! I'm so glad that they will be starting to do some of the fun things like this with her class. Girl #1 is, well, Girl #1. She's being a typical teenager atm. Surly and pissy about everything. But what else would you expect? More good news! We will be traveling to Michigan for Thanksgiving this year! I haven't seen my parents in 2 years, so it will be a happy time. I feel bad that they haven't seen boy child since he was a new baby. BUT, I still say the door swings both ways, and my mom had opportunities to come see him. I can't help it she gives everything to her other daughter. *shrug*

Oopsie

So yeah, it's been a while. I blame moving :) School has started. Girl child #1 is in 11th grade. A fricken junior! I am scared for her. Driving and Prom and looking into colleges. She wants to be a teacher. I think she'll make an awesome one. Girl child #2 is in the 4th grade. She is smart and clever and is already excelling. I am so proud of her. She wants to be a Vet when she grows up. With her compassion for animals and her brains, I know she will be an awesome one. Boy child just had his second birthday. 2 years old already! He's cute and silly and so lovable. He and his sisters are my heart and soul. Work has started back up for me. I am in the toddler room this year, as boy child is in the 2 yr old room this year. I am hoping for a great year this year, and I have decided that after boy child graduates from PMO that I will take a year off to chill out and get my bearings back. It'll be 4 years of taking care of other people's kids at that point. I am ready to take back my own.

House!

Well, it's been a few weeks since I last updated. Let me get us all up to speed.

Wednesday was Ali's 9th birthday. Yup, my baby girl is a whopping 9! She was so pleased when Kait and I walked into her school with roses and a balloon for her and cookies for her class. But that wasn't the best part of her day. It wasn't the fun playdate at Catch Air either. Nope, the best part was this:

That would be our new house! The bid was accepted ON her birthday, so she thinks that part of her present is having her own room again :). I am not arguing with that, since we are all excited about it.

For now, I am not going to be worried if I don't update often. We will be so busy packing and getting ready to move. Please forgive me if I am slow on the update :)

Missing You

Dan got me an Edible Arrangement for Valentines day this year. It was a sweet gesture, and I really appreciated it. So as I sit here this morning, I thought "Hey, I should totally order one for my dad!" You see, my dad is in the Veterans Home in Grand Rapids, MI. He doesn't get to see us but once a year. It sucks, since I was really close to my dad growing up. But as I was looking at the different fruit flower arrangements, tears started flowing. I got hit with the overwhelming sadness of missing my dad. I haven't seen him since the boy child still had that new baby smell. That was Thanksgiving 2010. We didn't go up for Thanksgiving last year because we're trying like mad to buy a house. I want to go up this summer, but we'll have to see. So I'm sitting here crying and missing my dad. I don't have his number to call him. Even if I did, I couldn't right now since it's 6:30 AM. Dad's other daughter (I just can't call her my sister) lives about an hour and a half/2 hours from him, and refuses to go see him. I sit here and think "doesn't she realize how good she has it? She can go see him whenever she wants!" I know she doesn't want to go see him because he's under the impression that our mom and she keep him a prisoner there. I wouldn't care myself tho. I would still go. I know he loves when we come up, since he doesn't see us very often. He loves to see the older girl child and how much she's grown into a beautiful young lady. I know he loves to see the younger girl child because of her red hair and sunny disposition. I wish my kids would have the wonderful memories of their grandfather that I had. Alas, they won't. My dad will be in the Veterans home for the rest of his life. No pie and ice cream at 2 AM. No croquet matches in the lawn. No impromtu baseball games in the driveway. I mourn for the loss of such wonderful memories. He would have been an awesome grandpa if the dementia hadn't taken hold. Not that he isn't, but there is so much more he could have done with them. My son will probably have the same vague memories that I have of my mom's dad and my dad's bio dad. Little snippets here and there of certain things they did with us. I remember the wonderful things my dad's step-dad did with us. I wanted those things with my kids. Dad and I used to laugh when I was pregnant with girl#1 about all the things he wanted to do when she would come to stay. I know I can make the memories myself with the girls, but it isn't the same.