I am going to put this here so I can get it out. As most of you know, I was an abused child. Physically, mentally, emotionally by my mother, and sexually by a family member. While the family member is now dead, I'm still to this day being abused by my mother (here on out known as ED, or Egg Donor.) ED never wanted me. Told me so herself in one of her drunken rages. Told me that there were two reasons I was even alive. One was that she was Catholic, and therefore couldn't have an abortion. The other was because my father would not let her give me up for adoption, as he wanted me. Imagine telling that to a small child? I have the three ducklings, and I could NEVER fathom even thinking that for a second! She beat me, screamed at me, told me I was worthless, and allowed her Golden Child daughter to beat and abuse me as well. Once she stopped drinking, you'd have thought things would get better, right? They didn't. The methods just changed. I was never going to be prettier or smarter or better than GC Sister. I really didn't even try in school. Why bother if I wasn't going to be as good as her? I still beat her not only in the ACT, but in class ranking as well. I think of what I could have done had I had a little encouragement. She hates the hubster. She won't admit to it now, but she does. He took me away from her. His family treats me like I am one of their own. I think that's partially why GC Sister hates them. If I am not in line, and not the scapegoat, then she will have to take that role as well. She can't be both, so her GC status will go away. I recently made the decision to cut my mother out of my life. It's been difficult. I am receiving therapy for the issues that horrible bitch brought into my life. I haven't heard much from her the past few weeks since the blow up. It's been peaceful. The biggest problem here is that I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the inevitable blow up. I know she won't slink off into the dark quietly. Oh no. She tries so hard to play mother/grandmother of the fucking year. Today is me and Hubs 20th wedding anniversary. 20 years, and we are still going strong. GC Sis and her husband aren't so much. Not my problem. I am trying to surround myself with friends and loved ones who like me for who I am. Not for what they can get from me, or what I can do for them. But today, we got a card from ED for our Anniversary. She can't remember my fucking birthday, but sends me an Anniversary Card. I think she's sent us a card once or twice in our entire married life together. I'm afraid she's trying to make herself look good. "Oh, I sent her a card! She's a horrible person for not talking to me!" And the thing I think that bothers me is that NO ONE knows. No one knows the pain and the heartache and the suffering she's put me through for forty one years. If you met her for the first time now, you'd probably think she's a great person. She's personable, she's witty. She's all the things now that she wasn't and won't be to me. She goes to GC Sis's kids activities. She wouldn't go to mine. I am happy for my Niece and Nephew. They get to see the side of her I wish I could have seen. They get the loving, sweet, wonderful side of her. I got the horrible, abusive, drunken-rage side. I don't want to ever speak to her again at this point. At this point, I can't forgive her for the hell she put me through. I grieve for the mother I deserved. I wish I had my best friends here to hold me and hug me and tell me it's going to be all right. But I don't. I have no one here who can understand the demons I have to face every single day.